walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
