His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i love accidental penises.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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