thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
