I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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