my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
