Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
