I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
