feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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