Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I love having hate sex.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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