Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Best friends brother. Beat that.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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