I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Sorry my hands just texted you
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Randomize
