The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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