i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
