I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
