well I can't set my house on fire every night
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
