We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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