I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
