So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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