She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
