We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
