all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
