I cannot find my penis.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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