so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
