I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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