i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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