I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
