I think im going to throw up on grandma
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
