I looked at my own cervix.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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