dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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