Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
