Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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