I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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