Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my shit smells like andre
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
then he tried to convert me to islam
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
