i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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