Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
