You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
