ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
