I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You smell like stripper and shame
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
