I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
