When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize