We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
