from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
