At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
