my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
