She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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