If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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