she pinky promised me she was 18
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
