Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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