Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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