Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize