It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
