they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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