What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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