3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Randomize
