I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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