i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
