Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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