Sry I called you an 8
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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