capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
