i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this boner is exhausting
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
