Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize