my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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