i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
There's always time for handjobs
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
