We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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